Wildly Exaggerated

If there was any silver lining to the recent pandemic, it’s that Americans became much better educated about viruses, and about our legal rights around medical privacy. Many of us were surprised to learn that the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) actually made it illegal for anyone to know anything about anyone else’s body, under any circumstances*. In light of this new information, I thought it might be helpful to compile some examples of things that constitute HIPAA violations in our new right-wing ignoscenti republic! Enjoy. *unless/until the GOP feels this information should be broadcast far and wide so we may receive the judgment of our Christofascist neighbors 1. The pharmacist having any knowledge of what my meds are for 2. Middle school science projects where you smear your cheek swab in a Petri dish 3. The nurse emitting a low whistle when she weighs me 4. Asking tall people whether they play basketball 5. Dr. Pimple Popper 6. Buttons suggesting someo...

I read entirely too much news. And when I say "news", I of course mean "blatant clickbait stories that are promoted on Twitter until they trend". In 2021, when COVID was allegedly "finally over", I found that a disturbing number of these stories were variations on the theme of people frantically and insistently pursuing casual sex after a year of being home alone. Terms like "hot girl summer", "summer of love", “sexually charged”, “sexplosion”, “post-COVID dating tsunami”, and “Big Summer Sex Boom” proliferated all over the internet for what felt like months.  It seemed weird to me that the media took it as a truth universally acknowledged that anyone who happens to be single must be in want of an endless parade of random sexual partners for the foreseeable future post-COVID.  Before you dismiss this as me being an old fogey, let me assure you that there was never a single moment in my life, however long ago, when I thought casual sex w...

If there was any silver lining to the recent pandemic, it’s that Americans became much better educated about viruses, and about our legal rights around medical privacy. Many of us were surprised to learn that the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) actually made it illegal for anyone to know anything about anyone else’s body, under any circumstances*. In light of this new information, I thought it might be helpful to compile some examples of things that will constitute HIPAA violations under the right-wing ignoscenti regime! Enjoy. *unless/until the GOP thinks this information should be broadcast far and wide so we may receive the judgment of our Christofascist neighbors 1. The pharmacist knowing what everybody's meds are for 2. My crush holding my heart in his hands 3. Asking tall people whether they play basketball 4. Children accusing each other of “having a staring problem” 5. Possessing cursèd forbidden knowledge about how human reproduction actually w...

 People are always asking me, “Klara, how have you managed to remain so resolutely single, decade after decade?” I’m just kidding! People don’t ask me anything about my personal life, because most people are too polite to ask the question they really want  to ask, which is: “Hey! How come nobody wants you?”  And thank God, because that question is impossible to answer. There are so many reasons! And some of them are things I can’t help - some dudes only like women with brown eyes, or billionaire fathers, or a lifelong aspiration to be somebody’s scullery maid, or the ability to amass a huge collection of knick knacks that say “LIVE LAUGH LOVE” in that weird globby cursive font. I’ll never be that girl.  Some of the reasons are things I very much could  help, but I don’t wanna. And actually, I suspect that’s probably the biggest reason. Although I would also point out that some (possibly even most ) of the dudes in question aren’t exactly a blue ribbon prize them...

I like sports wrong. I know this because I see men on Twitter liking sports very loudly and publicly, and it’s very clear that my Sports Opinions do not meet their exacting standards. I’ve been a San Francisco Giants fan since 2012, and in the past 10 years, I’ve gotten a pretty solid handle on how baseball works. When I first became a Giants fan, I thought you were supposed to love your whole team. It seemed to me that being a Giants fan meant wanting the Giants to win, and that the most efficient way to accomplish that would be if every dude in a Giants uniform had a really good day on the field! I could not have been more wrong. Sports Men on Twitter have shown me that actually, true sports fandom requires a seething hatred of at least 3-4 players on your favorite team! You must roll your eyes at their successes! You must tweet bitterly about their contract negotiations! You must rejoice in their every error, as it proves what a Sports Genius you are for hating them so much! Perhaps...

 This is a great recipe for when you have a cold-sensitive cavity and your root canal appointment isn’t for another 5 days but you’re really craving something sweet & cinnamon-y and you don’t wanna spend a bunch of time gnawing on a bun. …I imagine. Ingredients Serves one fun-lovin’ single lady, suitable for vegetarians 2 blobs Pillsbury Sugar Cookie Dough (NOTE: I wouldn’t usually force a brand name on you, but this stuff is heat-treated so you can eat it raw) Ground cinnamon Steps 1. Put two blobs of cookie dough in a small microwave-safe bowl 2. Dump cinnamon on there until you can’t see the dough anymore 3. Nuke your cinnamon blobs for 10-15 seconds The top of my microwave fell off with a catastrophically loud BANG a few months ago so the Maintenance Guy came and - I shit you not - taped it back on. It fell off again (on my head) a short time later and I’m not bothering to call him again. 4. Stir until blended 5. Enjoy! 6. Go back to idly wondering how you even got such a ...