Ask a Spinster: How Can I Successfully Evade Serious Relationships?

 People are always asking me, “Klara, how have you managed to remain so resolutely single, decade after decade?”

I’m just kidding! People don’t ask me anything about my personal life, because most people are too polite to ask the question they really want to ask, which is: “Hey! How come nobody wants you?” 

And thank God, because that question is impossible to answer. There are so many reasons! And some of them are things I can’t help - some dudes only like women with brown eyes, or billionaire fathers, or a lifelong aspiration to be somebody’s scullery maid, or the ability to amass a huge collection of knick knacks that say “LIVE LAUGH LOVE” in that weird globby cursive font. I’ll never be that girl. 

Some of the reasons are things I very much could help, but I don’t wanna. And actually, I suspect that’s probably the biggest reason. Although I would also point out that some (possibly even most) of the dudes in question aren’t exactly a blue ribbon prize themselves. 

Dating in 2022 is tough, especially if you, like me, have some sort of demon living in all of your electronic devices who makes it his business to mangle and distort your image on any kind of video call. Then again, dating in 1992-2019 was no cakewalk either, and there were no electronics-demons to blame back then. 

My continued single-ness is especially perplexing given that I have spent so much of that time employing the techniques in Klara’s Tried* and True 3-Step Fool-Proof Man-Landin’ Plan. The steps of which are outlined in detail below: 

1. Do Something EXTRAORDINARY!!!! Write The Novel of the Century, magically become a songwriting genius and write a series of songs that are both poetically insightful and catchy as hell, write/produce a ton of groundbreaking screen- or radio-plays that set the world on fire, etc. 
2. Wait for all the handsome wonderful man-geniuses to recognize me as a kindred spirit.
3. Take my pick of the applicants!
   *"Tried” in the sense that I have been trying to execute it since April of 2011. And also in the sense that it tries the patience of everyone around me!

Of course, the sad reality is that Klara’s Tried and True 3-Step Fool-Proof Man-Landin’ Plan (aside from the fact that I can’t seem to crack Step I) is that men don’t work like that. I work like that! I fall for men because they are creative/intelligent/ambitious/passionate, and their work is incredible! But men don’t fall for women because they are amazing or have accomplished something amazing. Men fall for women because they are hot. So I worry that this plan is not as “fool-proof” as I’d like to think, even if I could pull it off, which all available evidence so far suggests I cannot. I guess that means I should revise it to Klara’s Evidence-Based Fool-Proof Man-Landin’ Plan:

1. Be hot.

Say, that plan really IS fool-proof!

…except of course that the Man you Land may not be much worth having. Do you really want a guy whose only interest in you depends on how you look? And the other thing with this Plan is that you have to execute it continuously, for the rest of your life. You’re gonna have to re-land that man every single day, and it will only get harder to nail as time goes on.

Personally I recommend that you follow Klara’s Tried and True 3-Step Life-Livin’ Plan instead…

1. Look however you want. Who cares? 
2. Do whatever you want! Get a pet! Or don’t! Live alone! Or with your family! Or with a roommate! Work really hard! Or earn the bare minimum and couch-surf for the rest of your life! Whatever!
3. Enjoy.