How to Write

As a person who has written upwards of five (5) blog posts, I feel duty-bound to share the secrets of my productivity and incredible success with those still struggling to reach such dizzying heights. I hope you will find my wisdom to be useful in your own efforts.

1. Research aaalllll the different kinds of notebooks

2. Buy some notebooks to try out

3. Research aaaaalllll the different kinds of pens

4. Buy some pens

5. Do a detailed analysis of your weekly schedule to see where you may be able to fit in some time to write! This time is SACRED; you cannot let anyone interrupt you.

5a. If you live with family or roommates, you may want to devise a fiendishly complex system by which you can indicate to them that YOU. ARE. WRITING.

5b. Purchase any materials you need to enact your fiendishly complex Writing Alert System (bespoke hole punchers, those eco-friendly staplers that don’t use staples, a sextant, etc.)

5c. Build your Writing Alert System

6. Have an idea. A great idea! An idea that will revolutionize the world!

7. TIME TO GET WRITING! Any professional writer will tell you that there is no secret to writing. You just have to show up, every day, and write. And trust that the words will come. 

8. Actually - hang on - you can’t start writing yet! Put together a playlist of songs that will inspire you to write about your idea. Like, if it’s set in Brazil, you’ll need to figure out who your favorite Brazilian traditional group is, and feature them. Might be a good idea to split it into multiple playlists - one for the mood of each major section of your-

9. Wait, did you do an outline? Ok well you’re gonna need to do that that so you can create an effective playlist!

10. OK this time you can start writing. Show up at the page, and the muse will find her way to you! Trust that the words will come.

11. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!? You don’t have anywhere near the number of notebooks you’ll need to accommodate the amazing idea you’ve had! Order 5 more notebooks. Wait for them to arrive.

12. Are you sure the pens you bought were the right color for your Creative Process?

13. Actually don’t worry about the pens - it doesn’t matter. These are just procrastination tactics! If you want to be a writer, all you have to do is write! Show up, muse, trust, etc.

14. Research aaaaaalllll the different kinds of apps for writers. You’ll need mind-mapping, project management, a spreadsheet to track progress, and of course a word processor. Obviously there are a million apps in each of these categories. Many of them offer a free trial program - better go ahead and get all of them so you can test-drive each.

15. WRITE…a bunch of lorem ipsum in every word processor you’ve got until you find the one with the prettiest interface for your unique needs.

16. Get on reddit and find the community for each of your new apps! Learn about all the fun things they can do!

17. Start writing in earnest. Make yourself write no less than 400 words before taking any kind of break!

18. At 250 words, get up and make yourself a snack (I know I said 400, but you can’t write with low blood sugar!) Bring plenty with you when you return to your desk.

19. Resume writing your first 400 words. 

20. 300 words in, admit it to yourself: you’re not a writer, you never have been, and you never will be. Give up and spend this evening pounding Limoncello shots, each with a float made of tears.

21. Have a better idea…