A Brief List of New HIPAA Violations

If there was any silver lining to the recent pandemic, it’s that Americans became much better educated about viruses, and about our legal rights around medical privacy. Many of us were surprised to learn that the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) actually made it illegal for anyone to know anything about anyone else’s body, under any circumstances*. In light of this new information, I thought it might be helpful to compile some examples of things that constitute HIPAA violations in our new right-wing ignoscenti republic! Enjoy.
*unless/until the GOP feels this information should be broadcast far and wide so we may receive the judgment of our Christofascist neighbors

1. The pharmacist having any knowledge of what my meds are for

2. Middle school science projects where you smear your cheek swab in a Petri dish

3. The nurse emitting a low whistle when she weighs me

4. Asking tall people whether they play basketball

5. Dr. Pimple Popper

6. Buttons suggesting someone kiss you because part of your PERSONAL, PRIVATE DNA originated in Ireland

7. Brazilian waxes

8. Wondering who killed Laura Palmer

9. Upon smelling it, seeking to know who dealt it

10. Possessing cursèd forbidden knowledge about how human reproduction actually works

11. Gender reveal parties

12. My crush holding my heart in his hands

13. Sportscasters disclosing the nature of an athlete’s injury (“YEOWCH! His left arm appears to have fallen off at the 20-yard line!")

14. Wearing a “BODY BY DOUGHNUTS” t-shirt

15. Asking reddit to diagnose your illness based on photos of your bodily fluids

16. Publicly bleeding from a Constitutionally inflicted gunshot wound

17. Wearing a Medic Alert bracelet

18. Asking your children whether they've brushed their teeth

19. Photocopying your anatomy during an office Christmas party

20. Mood rings

21. Impersonating a Federal Boob Inspector

22. Muscle shirts

23. Playing “Operation!”

24. Children diagnosing one another with "a staring problem”

25. Asking your dinner guests if they have any allergies. If they drop dead when you serve your Famous Peanut Butter Noodles, that's their business!