Healthy Skepticism

If there was any silver lining to the recent pandemic, it’s that Americans became much better educated about viruses, and about our legal rights around medical privacy. Many of us were surprised to learn that the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) actually made it illegal for anyone to know anything about anyone else’s body, under any circumstances*. In light of this new information, I thought it might be helpful to compile some examples of things that will constitute HIPAA violations under the right-wing ignoscenti regime! Enjoy.
*unless/until the GOP thinks this information should be broadcast far and wide so we may receive the judgment of our Christofascist neighbors

1. The pharmacist knowing what everybody's meds are for

2. My crush holding my heart in his hands

3. Asking tall people whether they play basketball

4. Children accusing each other of “having a staring problem”

5. Possessing cursèd forbidden knowledge about how human reproduction actually works

6. Saying “Bless you” after someone sneezes

7. Middle school science projects where you smear your cheek swab in a Petri dish

8. Wondering who killed Laura Palmer

9. Posting photos of your bodily fluids to the internet to crowdsource a diagnosis

10. Asking your dinner guests if they have any allergies

11. T-shirts that say “BODY BY DOUGHNUTS”

12. Gender reveal parties

13. Mood rings

14. Implying that there is any relationship between he who smelt it and he who dealt it

15. Asking your children whether they’ve brushed their teeth

16. Drinking to someone's health

17. Photocopying your anatomy during an office Christmas party

18. Doing shots out of someone else's belly button

19. Saying “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee!”

20. Your GP's nurse emitting a low whistle when she weighs you